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I got a job today.
This is the most amazing news I've gotten in a while.
I am SO excited.
I can finally start being more independent. I can finally help Michael. I can show him how much I appreciate him.
Best. News.
It's getting colder now. It feels like Christmas is just around the corner. Christmas is going to be difficult for me... it will be the first year in my life that I don't see my family at all on Christmas. I will miss them for sure. BUT, this is a first. A first with my husband, the first of many merry Christmas memories we will make as the Dennis family. And for that, I am excited and grateful!

The world is such a pretty place. I'm so thankful for every breath I take.
Things here have been pretty rocky lately. I love my husband so very much and I know that everything will eventually even out. I just wish there was something I could do to make everything easier. I hope this job helps. I really do. I am grateful that he will not be deploying anytime soon. The idea of deployment scares me. But, this is the life I chose for myself. This is what he does, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I married my hero.


Michael put in for a possible relocation on Friday.
He requested Guam,Japan, or Spain.
Life is an adventure.


I'm so happy that I married my best friend.
We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.



I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Answer with the first 20 songs that come up on shuffle!

1."Say Goodnight" -Bullet For My Valentine.
2."Time Stands Still"- The All-American Rejects.
3."Baby, It's Fact"- HelloGoodbye.
4."The Tip Of The Iceberg"- Owl City.
5."The Fad"-Chevelle.
6."Misery Business"-Paramore.
7."Not The Sun"-Brand New.
8."Points Of Authority"- Linkin' Park.
9."Perfectly Happy"- The Ataris.
10."Paper Wings"- Cauterize.
11."Monday"- Switchfoot.
12."Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued"- Fall Out Boy.
13."Issues"- Sick Puppies.
14."First Date"- Blink182.
15."A Spindle, A Darkness, A Fever And A Necklace"-Bright Eyes.
16."Newport Living"- Cute Is What We Aim For.
17."With Eyes Wide Shut"-Blessthefall.
18."Waste Of Time"-FM Static.
19."Three Evils(Embodied In Love And Shadow"- Coheed And Cambria.
20."Rumors"-Waking Ashland.

Now answer these questions about the songs! :D

What genre is 12?: "Pop Punk."
How old is 4?: No Clue.
Do you own every song on the album with 7?: Downloaded.
Is 15 by your favorite band/artist?: Meh.
Has 8 ever been your favorite song?: Growing Up I loved Linkin' Park.
Can you relate to 1?: Sometimes.
What's your favorite lyric from 19?: “Pull The Trigger And The Nightmare Stops."
Do you even like 11?: Yes.
Are you embarrassed to have 6?: Nope.
Do any of your friends like 16?: No Idea.
What is 3 about?: Loveee.
What's your favorite song by the artist/band who wrote 20?: "Counting Stars."
Name a memory associated with 2.: John.
Rate 10 on a scale of 1-10.: 6.
What's your favorite line from 5?: "I Got The Violence."
Is 17 deep?: Word.
What does the album cover look like for 9?: It's Got Pictures Of Various Places On It.
What's the 34th word of 14?: Dance.
Have you ever heard 18 on the radio?: No.
How does 13 make you feel?: Indifferent.
On a scale of 1-10, how popular is 6?: 7?

30 questions about one person.


pick one person, it can be your significant other, your best friend, a sibling, whoever. now answer the following questions about them.


[1] First, what's their name?: Emily.
[2] what is your relationship with the person?: Best Friend.
[3] how old are they?: Twenty.
[4] try and describe their personality.: Quirky, Silly, Funny.
[5] when was the last time you saw them?: August =[
[6] how often do you see them?: It's different now that I'm married and have moved away. I miss her.
[7] what do you usually do when you spend time with this person?: We Adventure.
[8] do they have any piercings?:Ears, Belly Button, Lip.
[9] how about tattoos?: Yup.
[10] describe their general appearance?: Curly Hair, Short, Button Nose, Glasses.
[11] have you ever worn this persons' clothes?: YUH.
[12] could you handle living with them?: Yes.
[13] have you ever cooked for them? have they ever cooked for you?: YES. She Used to beg me to make her mashed potatoes.
[14] list a few of their favorite artists/bands: Anything musical related, Or Ska.
[15] do you think they have good taste in music?: MEH.
[16] what's something that always reminds you of this person?: Broadway.
[17] do they have any strange habits?: Yes haha.
[18] do you trust this person?: Yes.
[19] do you see yourself still talking to them 10 years from now?: Forever.
[20] if you had to dedicate a song to this person, what would it be?:"Let's Get Fucked Up And Die"- Motion city Soundtrack. or "Bodybag"-Hit The Lights.
[22] does this person have any causes they hold close to them (eg. gay rights, green living, abortion, etc)?: Morals.
[23] if so, do you agree with their stance on the cause?: Yuh.
[24] is this person intelligent?: Yes.
[25] how often do you talk to them a week?: I try to catch her when she's not busy.
[26] if this person showed up at your house right now, what would you do?: LULZ, I wish!
[27] do they speak any other languages?: Some.
[28] do you ever have sleepovers with them?: Yes. January baby!
[29] when hanging out, are you more likely to go to your house or theirs?:We usually hung out at mine!
[30] finally, write something to them. it can be something they already know, something you want them to know, but try and make it meaningful:
Emily you're more than my best friend you're my sister and I appreciate all the years we've spent growing up side by side. <3 more to come!

DRUGS?!?!?!
Have you ever taken a drug?: I used to smoke weed.
If so, how many have you taken?: Scripts, and weed.
Are you pro drug or against drugs?: Weed is alright, everything else is wack.
Do you think Marijuana will be legalized in your lifetime?: Hope so.
Where is the weirdest place you've ever done drugs?: ...lmfao... I don't know...
What is your favorite drug of choice?: Weed.
What is your favorite feeling of a drug?: Laughing.
Are there any highs that people don't know about?: I don't even understand this question.
Why do you do drugs?: I don't anymore.
Have you ever shot up heroin or snorted cocaine?: Never,
Do your parents know you do drugs?: They know I used to smoke weed. And I drink on occasion.
Do they approve or disapprove?: They can't say much,
Do any of your friends do drugs?: Yup.
Do you think you'll ever stop taking drugs?: I don't smoke weed anymore.

The future isn't what it seems...
What are you going to do with your future?: I want to live in interesting places.
Any goals worth mentioning?: Being a wonderful parent.
Are you in school right now?: No.
Do your friends have high hopes for their futures?: I hope so.
Are your parents supportive of you?: Yes.
Do you have a dream job?: No.
Do you think you'll get married?: Already am!
Have children?: I want them so bad.
Are you going to stay in touch with everyone from high school?: No.
Any teachers you're gonna stay in touch with?: Most likely, no.
Are you looking forward to graduating high school/college?: N/A
Are you anxious to get out there on your own or scared?: I enjoy my life.
Do you think you'll become rich and famous?: No.
What do you NOT want to do in the future?: Lose loved ones.

LIFE...and how it applies
How's life going so far?: It's got it's ups and downs, as any other.
Anything cool worth mentioning?: Well, I married an amazing man and I really love our house.
Are you happy?: I am mostly happy.
Do small things make you happy?: Yes.
Have you ever thought of suicide?: Yes, but rejected the concept as soon as I began to consider it.
Have you ever tried?: No.
How old do you think you're going to be before you die naturally?: I cannot answer this, I hope, God Willing, to live a long while.
What makes your life happy?: My family, my friends.
What makes it sad?: I miss my family and my friends but I'm so grateful for all that I have in my life.
What do you take for granted?: I try to appreciate everything, but life happens and sometimes I forget to be thankful.
What are you really thankful for?: My Husband, my Friends and my family. I love them endlessly.
Is there anyone you really look up to?: Yes.
Is life really like a box of chocolates?:Yup.

Love and cooties
Are you in love or have you ever been?: I'm in love.
What makes her/him so special?: He is amazing,
Do you think love is overrated?: No.
What's the prettiest love song ever made?: “When you say nothing at all" is one of them.
What is one thing you would never do to your lover?: Leave him or hurt him intentionally.(Cheating is a no go.)
Do you think sex is important in a relationship?: Yes.
How often do you think about your lover? Everyday.
Do you like kissing more than hugs or vice versa?: I like kissing while being hugged!
The coolest time you've ever had with your lover?: We had fun on our honeymoon for sure. And our conversation on the way home from Idaho, 3 hrs no music and no silences.
What's the nicest thing you've ever done for them?: I do whatever I can for him.
What's the nicest thing they've ever done for you?: He married me! lol.
How often do you see him/her?: Everyday.
If you could be with anyone else, would you be?: No.
Is love the same as it's portrayed in the movies as?: No.

***
Why did you kiss the last person that you kissed? Because I love him very much.

Is there anything you're waiting for to come in the mail? Yep.

When was the last time you went tanning?...A week ago? We're going tomorrow too!

Is there always going to be that one person who will always have your heart? Yeah but I have his in exchange so it works out.

Do you admit when you're wrong?
I'm learning this.

What are you listening to right now?
The Ataris.

What is something you currently want right now?
Sleep.

Who did you last go out to eat with?
Michael.

Do you honestly think you could last a week without a computer or cell phone?
Nope. Unless I was on vacation!

Do you ever think about the world ending?
No..Not really..

Do you want a tattoo?
Yup eventually.

How many piercings do you have?
Six.

Last time that you consumed alcohol?
Last weekend.

What was the last thing you purchased?
Christmas stuff.

Have you ever kissed someone who smoked?
Yes. Ick.

Did you have a good birthday last year?
Did I?

Last text message was from?
Stephanie.

Do you cry easily?
Yes.

Where was your default picture taken at?
Mi Casa.

When is your birthday?
November 16th!

How do you feel about your hair right now?
It's a mess. lol.

Where do you keep your money?
On the debit card.

To you, which is more romantic: Sunrise or sunset?
Sunset.

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
No tats, 6 piercings.

Is there anything wrong with your eyes?
I can't see without glasses.

Last movie you watched?
Envy.

Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed with my husband.

Are you happy right now?
Yes.

What do you feel like watching?
Not much.

Have you ever gone Christmas caroling?
As a kid with girl scouts.

What are you wearing right now?
Sweats and my transformers tee.

What is your opinion on pot?
<3

Where is your ex right now?
Asleep more than likely.

The last person that you kissed, are YOU the last person they kissed?
Yesss.

Do you want to get married when you're older?
Not again. I'm happily married now!

Did the last person you kissed have any piercings?
Nope.

Do you get along with your family?
Yes.

Have you kissed anyone today?
Yes

Was your last kiss sober?
Yes.

How many times have you kissed the last person you text messaged?
Nevah!

-Do you...-

Feel Loved.
Feel Lonely.
Feel Happy.

Hate yourself.
Have a dog.
Have your own room.
Sing along with your music.
Dance around the house in your underwear.
Listen to Hawaiian Music.
Skateboard.
Do aggressive inline.
Have slippers.
Wear boxers.
Wear black eyeliner.

Like the color blue.
Like the color pink.
Like the color red.
Like the color green.
Like the color black.
Like the color purple.
Like neon colors.

Like to read.
Like to write.
Have long hair.
Have medium length hair.
Have short hair.
Have a laptop.
Have a pager.
***
Never Have I Ever..

-Black-mailed someone.
-Fallen asleep in a movie theater.
-Been in a car accident.
-Fooled around in my sibling's bed.
-Used lubricant.
-Totaled a car.
-Had sex on a kitchen counter.
-Had sex in a place other than a bedroom.
-Finished an entire jawbreaker.
-Streaked.
-Been caught sneaking out.
-Snuck into a movie without paying.
-Had surgery.
-Been taken to the hospital by ambulance.
-Passed out while drinking.
-Passed out while NOT drinking.
-Broken a bone.
-Eaten a bug.
-Laughed until something I was drinking came out of my nose.
-Played spin-the-bottle.
-Smoked a cigar.
-Sat on a rooftop.
-Crawled through a window.
-Changed clothes in a vehicle.
-Kissed someone I didn't like.

-Slept in until 5PM.
-Ran a red light.
-Made out in a bathroom.
-Been fired from a job.

-Dated someone twice.
-Kissed someone and regretted it.
-Turned someone down.

-Had cops show up at a party I was at.
-Drank and drove.
-Woken up still drunk.
-Done body shots.
-Driven stick-shift.
-Skinny dipped.
-Tried to guess someone's password.
-Logged onto someone's Facebook/Xanga/e-mail or something along those lines without their permission.

-Lied about my birthday or a friend's birthday just to get a free dessert.
-Been suspended from school.
-Had my parents ask me if I was still a virgin.
-Given someone a fake phone number or a number that wasn't mine.
-Had to help a guy unhook my bra.
-Lied about my sexual experiences.
-Kissed a member of the same sex.
-Been relieved when I got my period.
-Taken the morning-after pill.
-Had phone sex.
-Had sex with someone outdoors.
-Flirted with someone 7 or more years older than me.
-Kissed someone 7 or more years older than me.
-Been pulled over.
-Dyed my hair.
-Showered with a member of the opposite sex.
-TPed someone's house.
-Given a hickey.
-Received a hickey.

-Ridden in a limo.
-Lied about my age.
-Gone out without underwear.
-Taken a picture naked.
-Received a naked picture.
-Been complimented by a complete stranger.
-Had sex more than 10 times in one weekend.

-Lied to get out of going on a date with someone.
-Let someone else take the blame for something I did.

-Dated a friend's sibling.
-Hooked up with someone just for their looks.
-Bought a piece of clothing that I never ended up wearing.

***

It's been a summer.

So different.
Life becomes so different.
Different man, different state, different life.
Different food.
Different people, different places.
Happy.
Finally I feel it.
Never knew I could, never thought I ever would. Happy.
Michael Joseph Dennis.
Air Force.
Utah.
Mrs. Dennis.
21.
August 22,2010.
Married.
I married Michael Joseph Dennis, Senior Airman Michael Joseph Dennis on August 22, 2010 at the age of 21. We live in Utah.
Married.
Sometimes lonely, mostly lucky.
I found a man who makes sense to me, one who understands.
Lucky.
Very Lucky.
In love.

Just so you know, you'll never know...

Can't I just feel normal? I don't care if it's happy. I just want to stop crying.
Last night/ This morning has been really hard on me emotionally. I feel like I've been holding in sadness for some time, and even tho some slowly leaked out, tonight I overflowed and I cried and cried. Thank God Teddy was here. There were no thoughts of harming myself  or anyone else, just intense sadness. Aaron, and that whole thing fucked me up real bad. I can't vocalize the situation very well, but it fucked me up worse than I already was before. When he slit his wrist in front of me, I knew I'd never be the same. I didn't think I'd be this changed. He was all I had back then. I sometimes close my eyes and see vivid movies playing in my head of the two of us. Good and bad. It's more than just remembering, and I hate it. He's the last reason I was fully miserable. I'm tired of being upset.  I don't need any other reasons to be depressed. I want to get better.
 
Cause' I will always remember you as you are right now to me.

How do you even begin something like this?

I've been so depressed lately, and instead of letting it out everyday, I've been internalizing it for the most part. Some of it slipped out during this past week, but for the majority, I've been keeping it in. I cried so much tonight. And I'm not even too sure why.

It's difficult to explain feelings...emotions... at least for me anyway...

Lately I've been a different person. I mean outwardly I'm trying to stay the same, but everything inside feels different.
I don't know.

I just want to get better.

I want to be happy.

I won't go until you come outside...

I don't know.  I really just don't know.  I don't think, that even given the perfect situation, I could ever be happy. I'm really tired. Tired of feeling all of this nothingness. All the time.
I feel to say that I have hope of ever being truly happy, that I have faith in the fact that all things will work out for good, is a lie. And I'm not sure I can go on lying to everyone who believes in me, and cares about me.
I really don't think I'm ever getting better... Ever...

I don't know how...

New year? no future.

Black, is the color of your sunrise.

I wish for nothing but the rain, to fall and wash away
Everything that I've done wrong, find a way to make you strong
If only for another day
I give up. Never going to be happy. Never going to be good enough. Never. I can't even put into words the way this all feels. It's a constant downward spiral.

Here I go, destroying any hope. I'm so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. I wanna get fucked up.

I can't sleep. My head keeps me awake. Thoughts running in circles. Stupid. Stupid thoughts. Nothing makes sense. Everything is as close to perfect as it can be right now. Nothing. Makes. Sense.

Trust. I trust him. Why am I so scared? I know it's ridiculous, but I can't make it stop. Can't stop. Can't sleep. Can't.
I feel like the one thing I love. The one thing that matters the most, I'm going to lose, because I can't stop. Sad. Just sad.
Want to be...Happy...
Want to marry that boy...
Want to.
Will.
Most people don't know what they have until it's no longer there. I know what I have, and I'm so effing scared to wake up and have it be a memory. Nothing but a distant memory with not even half of it's meaning still intact.  I'm so tired of things that mean so much, becoming so meaningless. I just want something real. I want something to stay. I want him. I want him every time I see him. I just have this urge to be next to him. To kiss his face until my lips hurt. I can't get enough. And I have this feeling that my overwhelming desire to be with him, will be the reason we end up falling apart, and falling away from each other. Everything I ever loved goes away in the end. It's awful.

Liar. He was a liar. I gave up everything I knew, to start over, and learn something new. I learned new streets and new foods and new beds and new noises, a new family, new 'friends' new people a new job a new life. A new life. Some good that did me.  It's what's best for me he said. I need this. How can you deny someone you love, something they say they so desperately need?
I left. I had to go. I had to leave everything I learned. To go to a new home, with a new family, for a new job with old friends and old places and old food. But nothing, nothing was the same as it was before I left, and nothing has been the same since I got back.

Everything.

I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't like to talk about it,. I don't fucking want to talk about it.
I have to talk about it.

Some days, were good. Some days, I was alone. Most days I was sad. A lot of days I was scared.  I was alone. Alone. Liar.


Everything I ever loved goes away in the end.

I love you. And I don't want you to go away. I'd learn a new life, and learn a new place and new people and a new job and a new family, so long as you don't go. I'd give up everything I ever knew, so long as you don't go. Don't go.